housebound thoughts

As I sit at my laptop writing this blog post, I am curled up in a wicker chair, taking in the late afternoon Southern California sun. I truly feel there is no better place to be stranded during the shelter in place orders.

The past fourteen days have not nearly been as miserable as those of my friends. When I log onto my Instagram or open Tik Tok, I scroll through long lists of posts detailing days spent in bed, binging Netflix and eating snacks. I see my friends complaining that their screen times on their phones have risen by hours. I see posts about some of my friends experimenting with baking vegan treats or tie dying old clothing items. But happy, productive posts are rare.

I see all of this and know what I need to do in order to keep my serotonin levels up during this unprecedented time. I start each day with a cup of coffee, coconut milk yogurt and peanut butter granola, avocado toast and an episode of House of Cards. I then move over to some form of work, whether it be my internship or school newspaper or class work (on days I do not already have class). Later in my day, I either take a walk or participate in an online Corepower Yoga class. Exercise is essential to keeping my serotonin boosted. Then comes the “outside time,” where I take in the SoCal UV Index. The sun has made a noticeable impact on my complexion; well, it is a mixture of that and the fact that my pores have been free of makeup for going on three weeks now. Evenings include more House of Cards, puzzle making, a home-made dinner (which has really allowed me to experiment in the kitchen) and some reading in bed.

I have my routine down. And for over two weeks, it has kept me calm and sleeping at night… something that is hard for a girl who rarely used to sleep without the aid of melatonin.

So yesterday, when I was taking my daily outdoor yoga class, I checked my email, something I do practically hourly as I optimistically wait to hear back from summer internships I applied to.

And there it was: the cancellation notice for the first internship I applied to for this summer due to uncertainty surrounding the coronavirus.

I am a realist, and I know that I have other opportunities to remain hopeful for as the summer inches closer.

But the notice telling me that the position for this summer was cancelled and no finalist will be selected brought my hopes down tenfold.

Most of the work for the internships I applied for, at least I figured, could be done remotely. More importantly however, little to no part of me thought the coronavirus had the ability to keep the world shut down until June.

All of the peace and warmth my yoga practice had brought me melted away. My heartbeat picked up and my back became hot. The career and academic induced anxiety started to sink in.

How would this impact future career plans? What if I ended up nowhere this summer? I am not the type of woman to sit around; I crave productivity and advancement of my goals. I crave the opportunity to learn and gain experience. I think that is what I am most looking forward to for this summer. Would potential employers see a blank spot on my resume for this summer and toss it to the side? Or would they understand how this unprecedented time took a toll on students?

So many questions swirled in my mind.

Now it is a day later. I have had 24 hours to process. I know the feelings did not only arise out of the loss of an opportunity. It is the unknown factor of this whole ordeal.

For the first time in my life, we are being told to halt everything. Do not leave your homes unless it is essential, shut out your friends and family, because even though you love them and worry for their safety, protecting your own household comes first. The coronavirus dominates nearly every moment of media coverage and simple conversations between people.

The truth is that I am afraid. I am afraid for the 3.3 million Americans who recently filed for unemployment. I am afraid for my family and their wellbeing. I am afraid for the women who face domestic violence because they are homebound. I am afraid for how we, as a planet will deal with this.

There is a great collective sense of hope among humanity that we will heal from this, and I fall asleep every night believing it will some soon. I hope we learn from this pandemic, and that we come to understand the struggles and hardships our neighbors shoulder without our understanding.